i'm not bold.

Lately I’ve been a bit disappointed at my lack of boldness. When I was younger I thought I was bold and in comparison to dull others I guess I could seem slightly gutsy. I don’t take many risks and frankly it’s easier that way. Boldness is an amazing effort.

The reason for my internal conflict is my great admiration for people who are naturally bold. It could be that person who goes to a party wearing a unitard, sombrero and nothing else, a girl who doesn’t shave her armpits or when that person you hardly know brings up socially inappropriate but universal things, e.g. masturbation, god-awful hook-ups, nose picking or horrible teen angst younger years - self harm and bad poetry included.

To give you an example of my lack of boldness I’ll start with the fact that I’ve never engaged in criminal activity. Of course I’ve tried the whole teenage experimental drugs thing and under-aged alcohol buying, but that is just a given, isn’t it? Anyway I didn’t do them in a bold way either, a little bit of weed here and there, a couple of pills when I was young and impressionable – I think they were some sort of depressant though so I just fell asleep. Sigh, not bold at all. I can’t steal. My guilty conscience weighs up on me. I learned my lesson pretty quickly after I stole a cherry from the fruit shop as a small child only to look up and see the fruit lady glaring at me as she uttered a frightening, ‘I’m watching you’. Spooky. Looking back on this, I’m sure she didn’t mean to be quite so terrifying, but terrifying she was. I haven’t stolen since.

I’m not at all sexually promiscuous, one could even go to the extent of saying I am prudish (I prefer respectable) although anyone who voiced that would not end up very happy. Sometimes I will be attracted to someone and then proceed to talk myself out of it by thinking of every possible con to the situation. I don’t exactly dress bold either; a friend once said to me (in an endearing way) ‘what are you going to wear tonight… black dress and red lipstick?’ Okay, yes, I do wear a lot of black. I like to think I look ‘classic and womanly’. Well at least I can pull off vintage dresses without looking like one of those vintagey –girls. You know the ones; they’re all wispy, they like lying in grassy fields and look like they have just stepped out of the virgin suicides. Still, if I tried to be bold I would probably end up looking like a cartoon character. Or road kill.

Ah well, maybe I should accept myself for who I am, go with my lameness and motherly fear for myself and my friends. At least you know I’ll be consoling you to get down when you are naked on a Rundle street rooftop after those pure MDMA pills you got off that cap-wearing dodgy looking guy in that alley. And no thank you, I won’t have that third vodka shot. Two is bold enough for me.