Hipster Checklist

Oh, dear, some tracksuit wearing, commerce student mainstreamer has called you a Hipster! But you're not, are you? You begin to doubt. Have I been living a lie? Am I a Hipster?

Fortunately, we've compiled this handy Hipster Checklist.

If you identify with three or more of the following points, chances are, you're a Hipster. Deal with it. Embrace it. Become at one with your true sub-culture. The sub-culture of the gods. We have great hair.

1. Mirrors
You can't help but look at youself in every available reflective surface (e.g. shop windows, shiny shoes, spoons, macbook screens, your lovers eyes)


2. Hair

Enough said. Applies to both males and female hipsters. it also counts if you are close friends with someone who has this style.

3. Clothes

You have nice things like macbooks and iPhones, but tend to look like an impoverished waif on an op-shop binge, even though lots of your clothes come from expensive shops and American Apparel.

4. Music

Must be obscure and of multiple genres. The less known the better. As soon as something becomes popular you no longer like it, except in an ironic way.

5. Pretentiousness

You find, in general that you are much more stylish than the average person and are far more creative and unique, rejecting the label of ‘Hipster’ as you feel it pigeon-holes you and diminishes your individuality. You are also really globally aware and know heaps about issues and stuff (you once read an article about animal cruelty for a high school project).

6. Social life

You seem to be drawn to stand in front of your local American Apparel store, as it is a place where you can finally be you. All your friends are individuals too, but your outfits always seem to be co-ordinated, though not in a backstreet boys kind of way. All your friends could reasonably be classed as hipster, except for that one lame high-school friend who you hang out with because it reassures you that you are better than everyone you went to school with. Refer to point 5 for more on pretentiousness.

7. Hobbies

You are in a band, into subversive counter-culture art, writing songs and playing guitar. Although you may not follow through in doing any of these things you have created a sense of partaking in one or more of these activities. You like anything ‘underground’.

8. Transport

Anything old and rusty looking, be it car, bike or skateboard. Even your helmet is one of those dodgy looking 80’s ones, or a bowl-cut skater one, all worn with a large helping of irony. You might even rebel against the man (even though he pays for your centrelink money) and ride without your helmet strap done up.

9. IRONY

Every part of you life contains some aspect of irony. You wear ironic clothes, eat ironic foods like macdonalds (you’re taking down the man from inside) and do ironic things. This proves how cool you are and gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. you may even have an ironic hipster moustache.

10. ‘That’s so Mainstream’

A simple test of hipsterdom – if you have ever said/thought ‘That’s so mainstream’, you ARE a hipster, no arguments.

But don’t worry, at least you’re not

TOTALLY MAINSTREAM!
Fucking teenyboppers.

i'm not bold.

Lately I’ve been a bit disappointed at my lack of boldness. When I was younger I thought I was bold and in comparison to dull others I guess I could seem slightly gutsy. I don’t take many risks and frankly it’s easier that way. Boldness is an amazing effort.

The reason for my internal conflict is my great admiration for people who are naturally bold. It could be that person who goes to a party wearing a unitard, sombrero and nothing else, a girl who doesn’t shave her armpits or when that person you hardly know brings up socially inappropriate but universal things, e.g. masturbation, god-awful hook-ups, nose picking or horrible teen angst younger years - self harm and bad poetry included.

To give you an example of my lack of boldness I’ll start with the fact that I’ve never engaged in criminal activity. Of course I’ve tried the whole teenage experimental drugs thing and under-aged alcohol buying, but that is just a given, isn’t it? Anyway I didn’t do them in a bold way either, a little bit of weed here and there, a couple of pills when I was young and impressionable – I think they were some sort of depressant though so I just fell asleep. Sigh, not bold at all. I can’t steal. My guilty conscience weighs up on me. I learned my lesson pretty quickly after I stole a cherry from the fruit shop as a small child only to look up and see the fruit lady glaring at me as she uttered a frightening, ‘I’m watching you’. Spooky. Looking back on this, I’m sure she didn’t mean to be quite so terrifying, but terrifying she was. I haven’t stolen since.

I’m not at all sexually promiscuous, one could even go to the extent of saying I am prudish (I prefer respectable) although anyone who voiced that would not end up very happy. Sometimes I will be attracted to someone and then proceed to talk myself out of it by thinking of every possible con to the situation. I don’t exactly dress bold either; a friend once said to me (in an endearing way) ‘what are you going to wear tonight… black dress and red lipstick?’ Okay, yes, I do wear a lot of black. I like to think I look ‘classic and womanly’. Well at least I can pull off vintage dresses without looking like one of those vintagey –girls. You know the ones; they’re all wispy, they like lying in grassy fields and look like they have just stepped out of the virgin suicides. Still, if I tried to be bold I would probably end up looking like a cartoon character. Or road kill.

Ah well, maybe I should accept myself for who I am, go with my lameness and motherly fear for myself and my friends. At least you know I’ll be consoling you to get down when you are naked on a Rundle street rooftop after those pure MDMA pills you got off that cap-wearing dodgy looking guy in that alley. And no thank you, I won’t have that third vodka shot. Two is bold enough for me.